I am a complainer by nature. It takes effort for me to unfrown my face. I’ve been on a Choose Your Attitude, Wench kick lately, so I’ve been paying attention to the things that work my nerves. Moreover, I’m paying attention to how I respond to the irritations. But right now, I’m in the mood to list those irksome things.
Gum popping (I legit have a visceral reaction to this sound)
Saying “thread” on Twitter as though no one is going to know it’s a thread because everyone is an idiot (I genuinely have a ridiculous reaction to this. It makes no sense whatsoever, but I want to scream every time)
Littering. This is the yard and sidewalk beside the bus I catch in the morning. Are you seeing this? There’s a diaper, Mad Dog 20/20. The fuck were they doing on Friday night?
Open-mouth yawning (You still have your tonsils?)
Licking your finger to turn a page. (Where did this originate? Do you remember what you were just doing with your fingers? And then you put them in your mouth? Is it really that hard to turn the page? THEY AREN’T STUCK.)
People who sit beside me on public transportation when there are other unoccupied seats
People who come into the stall beside me when there are other empty stalls not directly beside me
People who go into the stall I deemed too nasty to take my perfect butt into
People who don’t return the grocery cart to the corral. While we’re on groceries: people who don’t return food they don’t want back where they got it from. Put the damn spinach back in the refrigerator, not on the shelf beside the paper towels. At least give it to the cashier.
Listening to music in public without headphones
Having a conversation on the phone in public with the call on speaker
Talking into the phone while holding it sideways
People who walk their dogs without a leash or who don’t keep the dog on their right, away from people approaching. I don’t know your dog, Lilith, and I don’t want to.
Wayfair catalogs. Why don’t they put the prices? It’s infuriating. I need to know how much the sofa is now, not when I go online and see that it’s $6,842. It’s an unnecessary extra step that benefits no one. I know things go on sale and maybe the sofa is $6,800 today or maybe it’s $7,210 it doesn’t matter. Everything costs too much if you can’t print the price. I get the impression if Wayfair had physical stores there wouldn’t be prices there either. You’d have to find an employee who would write down the number and slide it to you across a table without looking you in the eye.
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, THANK YOU, SAMANTHA IRBY, YOU DAMN GRUMBLER.