I hadn’t considered much about having a third child other than we wanted a third. What else could there be? The first two hadn’t been maimed, burned or inadvertently left in Target, so why not? Well, things are different this time around. We’re older. The girls are older. There was a six year gap. And this one’s a boy.
I hadn’t initially wanted a boy. I was used to girls. Good w/girls. Am a girl. But I was up for seeing how he’d be different. And different he is. I’m loving every minute of it! But loving it so much is the reason I’m having issues today. The boy is six months old today. He’s been at the backup daycare center at work w/me since November until a spot opened for him at the regular daycare near the house. Today was his first day there.
I’ve had more time w/him to bond and nurse throughout the day than I did w/either girl. Sometimes I wonder if I’m paying the price of doing things “out of order”: babies, marriage, college, babies again, college still. It was hard to leave the girls but this time something’s different. It’s more about how I feel like I’m in the same place I was nine and six years ago, still complaining about it but not moving toward changing it. My ultimate goal is to be able to stay home with them full-time, not needing after care, having dinner before dark. I still proclaim that one day we will bring this to fruition. Daddy and I will figure out how to make it work because I can’t imagine how long it’s going to take me to deal with the fact that someone else is with him, feeding him, holding him, listening to him laugh. Sure, it was happening while he was in backup at work, but I was able to walk downstairs whenever I needed to see him, feed him, hold him, smell him. Now he’s all the way across the bridge and there is some melodramatic part of me that wants to pick up my purse and coat and just walk to him.
So forgive me if you see me today. I’m in my feelings. And yes, I knew the stripe in my pants was bluish, but I put on a green shirt anyway.